Tourette’s and Identity: When You Stop Hating Yourself
I didn’t always accept Tourette’s. For years, I hated it. And along with it, I hated myself. I was around seventeen when I stopped recognising who I was. My Tourette Plus was at its peak. Medication had made me gain fifty, maybe sixty kilos. I was smoking. I couldn’t do simple things anymore: write without sudden jerks, walk without stumbling, speak without stammering. It wasn’t just Tourette’s. It was the feeling of having lost my identity.
When You No Longer Recognise Yourself
The tics were everywhere, but they weren’t the real problem. The real problem was feeling like I had become “the one with Tourette’s”. Not Marco. Not a person with dreams, character, flaws. Just a walking diagnosis. Over time, the medication did its job. The tics decreased. But I shut down. I couldn’t sleep properly. My vision was blurred. I was constantly exhausted. I was only half there. And at some point, without even saying it out loud, I understood something: is it better to be full of tics, or empty of yourself?
The Day I Made My Choice
There was no big speech. No enlightened therapist. No cinematic turning point. One day I just stopped everything. The relapse was heavy. The tics came back hard. But along with them, something else came back too: clarity. I started to understand that living with Tourette’s doesn’t mean eliminating it. It means channelling it. Knowing where you can contain it and where you can’t. Knowing when you need to respect others, and when you can simply be yourself. I realised I would rather have more tics and be present, than live sedated and disconnected. That’s where acceptance started for me.
Tourette’s Is Not Your Identity
Tourette’s exists clinically. That’s not up for debate. But the identity you build around it is something else. For years, I used it as a shield. At school, it was a perfect excuse. At home, it didn’t work. There were no discounts. I was “fine” and expected to behave accordingly. My real friends made it clear that acting like “the Tourette guy” didn’t give me any special rights. They were right. When you stop using Tourette’s as an excuse for everything, you start using it as awareness.
Why Self-Hatred Sticks Around
Self-hatred comes from perception. From how others look at you. And from families that try their best but don’t always get it right. From feeling like you are the source of tension or difficulty. Many people with Tourette grow up believing they have fewer chances than others. Over time, that belief becomes identity. And when you believe you are worth less, you start to hate yourself. But Tourette’s doesn’t reduce your possibilities. It changes how you face them.
Today
Today I tic. I shout when I feel like it. But I have boundaries. If my tics are too intense, I don’t go to the cinema out of respect for others. I wasn’t always like this. If someone stares at me in the street, sometimes I make my tics worse on purpose. Some people end up stumbling or bumping into things. It’s not about being cruel. It’s that I no longer need anyone’s approval. I don’t care what people think. I’m fine like this. I wouldn’t change anything. And when someone tells me that medication could help, I always give the same answer: not for me.
